so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
