If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
