I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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