I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
