we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
