I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
