WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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