I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You may now shotgun with the bride
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
