He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
