please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
