I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
