I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I still have a little drunk in my system
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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