Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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