Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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