The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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