When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
