I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
