Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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