Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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