I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
