i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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