I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
