Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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