when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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