When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
