I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
