Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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