We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
