He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
