Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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