The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
