so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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