in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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