Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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