He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
