I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you never un-have a 4some
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
