In the future we'll all be gay
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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