We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
