Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
