He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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