I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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