The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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