At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think a kid would responsible me up
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
