Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
