Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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