I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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