whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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