apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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