I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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