i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize