I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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