my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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