if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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