I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
