hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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