I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
