I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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